PANICING AGAIN!

It’s maybe 10:30 at night, bed time. I’m sitting on the toilet reading a book. It’s a good book. I’ve been meaning to finish it for a while. A strange sensation or knowing comes over me and I almost hear the words ‘look up’. I do and I see myself in the mirror.

A ghostly pale version of myself has replaced what I was expecting to see. I’m shocked to see myself looking like death itself. Then I notice that out of nowhere I’m boiling hot and a fine layer of sweat has covered my body. Then that knowing voice in my head says, ‘breathe’ and I take what seems like my first breath of the hour and it hurts. Then I stop again, not by choice but because I can now only breath unless I tell myself to. Short periods of nothing then gasps for air. And in that second I think to myself, ‘I’m not having a panic attack, am I?’ Promptly followed by, ‘fuck! What did you say that for!!!’. And just like that one of the things I fear most in life is back and it’s kicking the shit out of me in the bathroom.

By this point I can feel my heart pounding on my sternum like it’s trying to get out and the all too familiar chest pain is there again. I’m 43 now and I had my first one of these at 22. But chest pains? That's recently new and I’m fucking scared. I’ve seen three doctors all sending me for tests and letting their receptionist tell me I’m fine because the test said so. The receptionists don’t even ask for my name.

I’ve got news for you, you old school, narrow minded, boys club, arrogant arseholes….it is not fine and you have failed me and every other person who has shown up with these symptoms in the last two years!

I get up off the loo and sort myself out, heading for the sink. All I can think of is, focus on your breath, in through the nose into the belly out through the mouth to help relax. Then I try to carry on getting ready for bed, desperately hoping this nightmare is not happening or will pass quickly. But it won’t and I know it. By the time I’ve finished brushing my teeth I’m in a mad debate in my head as to whether it’s an actual heart attack or my old nemesis with new evil ways to torment me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! I can’t believe this is happening again! How has it come to this? Why now? I’ve been so good for so long! What’s going on?

Am I panicking because I’m actually dying or am I having a panic attack about dying from a heart attack!! O my god!! That’s a 50/50 decision I do not want to have to make. HELP!!! What on earth am I supposed to do!!

I quickly head over to the bed and try to lie down. Nope! That was a bad idea! I sit back up. I’m so hot! Off come the clothes and I open the window and sit there on the edge of my bed rocking back and forth in the cool evening breeze. And this is where irrational thinking begins.

If I’m having a heart attack I need to call an ambulance. But then I’ll have to wake my daughter to tell her what’s going on. No, I can’t scare her like that, that’s not fair. And if I do call and it turns out to be just panic, the ambulance people will all get annoyed with me for wasting their time. I’ll ride it out and simply hope I don’t die.

I’ll call my wife, yes she’ll calm me down. No, I can’t do that because she’s on holiday in France, I don’t want to scare her on her holiday, that’s not fair. I’ll ride it out and hope I don’t die.

I’ll call my Mum. Don’t be ridiculous! Forty year old men don’t call their Mummy when they’re having a panic attack! I’ll ride it out in the hope that I’m right.

I decide that whatever this is, I’ll deal with it, here and now. The cool breeze is helping so I pick up my book again and start reading to distract myself from the inner torment and near death experience I may or may not be having. It’s a good book. It’s helping. I’ve never tried this tactic before but it helps. I do some calf raises to get the blood flow back into my lower legs and feet that are practically numb at this point. All the while I focus on my breath, every now and then I lose focus and suddenly realise I’m not breathing again or it’s super shallow and I freak out again with a big gasp for air and start over again. The breathing helps. The pages go by and somehow I’m actually retaining the words on the pages. It is helping.

It is midnight-ish now. I’m starting to feel more in control so I try to lie down in bed. Sitting up leaning back on my pillows, I am really not ok, but I am better than before. I keep reading and breathing. For the first time in my life I can successfully concentrate on two things at once! How on earth is this possible? I’m still retaining the information on the pages. I keep reading. Take the wins where you can I suppose.

At 1am I start to realise that I might just be starting to feel sleepy. I relax down the bed so that I’m lying down more. I keep reading. At 2 am I close the book. I leave the light on, put on some binaural beats (super calming music) and close my eyes. I leave the light on because I know from past experience that if this thing wakes me up in a terror, the light will help me figure out where I am and help me calm down. Waking like that in the dark adds a whole new element of fear and panic.

Considering that this experience was the worst it’s been for nearly twenty years, amazingly I fell asleep. I wake after a couple of hours to pee but with the expected terror I am used to on nights like this. I get back into bed focusing on breathing and the sleepiness. To my surprise, I wake again and it’s daylight. My heart rate is still high but I survived the night!

For the next few days I still can’t slow my heart rate for long or get my breathing to just be. My chest pains, which are apparently all fine and normal according to people who claim to be doctors, are still there. I still won’t go to bed until it’s too late because my heart is knocking on my rib cage as hard as it can to keep me from sleep.

I am anxious. I am scared. I am determined to find my way through this.

I am anxious and it is the state that I am in for now. I’m not ok with it but I will manage it as best I can. I have organised help. I have reinstated neglected maintenance techniques: meditations, breath work, cold showers and ice baths, workouts specific to my state. All these things and more must be a part of life. Nutrition is key. I remain sober for this and other reasons, caffeine is not my friend and shall be avoided. One day at a time, it will be hard but I must work hard to break this thing.

It will get better. Sooner or later it will get better.