PAIN HAS BEEN ONE OF MY GREATEST TEACHERS

I have had several great teachers in life, chronic pain brought me to most of them

At the end of last month I completed a triathlon. I might say that I ‘competed’ in a triathlon but that wasn’t my intention. My intention was to complete it with a smile on my face and pain free. And I did. However if you look at the photos I dont look like I’m pain free, or smiling. But inside I’m beaming and I’m so fucking proud of myself, and if my legs were not so dead I’d have been leaping around like a fool at the finish line. I kind of wish that I had to be honest. It was a huge achievement for me, way bigger than anyone there (except my wife and daughters) on the day would have known.

Up until recently I couldn’t run more than a couple of steps before chronic back and referred leg pain would kick in. It was instant, exceptionally painful, debilitating and extremely depressing. I have lived a very active life and I have had back issues throughout. I managed them my whole life without actually learning how to manage them. As soon as the issues arose I’d go off and see whomever was dealing with me at the time and they would fix me. Slowly age started to become a factor. But not just age, but more of an accumulation of years of pain and structural issues that were not being fully dealt with. It began to become constant daily chronic pain. So whereas before I would have a back ‘blow out’ and I’d get it fixed by a health professional of some sort and a week later I’d be right to go. Now the pain was constant and from what I was being told, permanent! I was told that I’d never be able to load my spine again (lift anything heavy), I was told I’d need to change my job, I was told I’d never run again. I was not told that there was any form of recovery. A sedentary and incredibly painful life was looming on the very near horizon.

At this point in my life I was a husband and father of two girls. I was a tree climber and a personal trainer/strength coach. Yeah a strength coach with a stuffed back and no clue how to fix it! My youngest daughter was just beginning to run around and was always wanting Daddy to run with her. Everytime I would try but had to immediately stop. She would be so good about it and look at me and say ‘it’s ok, is your back hurting?’ and then the fun was over. I struggled at those moments to hold my shit together. I had to hide the tears that were quick to come as I felt like a useless piece of crap for not running and playing with my daughter and for the soul destroying thought that this was my life from now on. She will have life long memories of not being able to play with her Dad. Yes there was loads of stuff that we did together but there was always this darkness of pain lurking in the background that limited our activities. I was very much used to being in pain from a very young age. I could handle it (so I thought). But now I had a family that was suffering because of it too. I was beginning to be hard to be around. My temper was quick and I was losing my mind of the most simple of things. I was depressed and trying to hide it and not succeeding.I would lie about how much pain I was in so that they wouldn’t worry about me. I was unaware of how angry I sounded every time I spoke. I refused to admit to myself how serious this problem was. I seemed to have a blind determination to carry on regardless in the hope that one day things would come good on their own. Almost as if I’d grow out of it. Deeper and deeper I went into my darkness thinking I was hiding it from those who loved me. I was so wrong. My pain was inflicting trauma on those I loved.

I knew I had scoliosis in my lower back, I knew one leg was longer than the other because of it. I knew that as a teenager my upper spine was a mess that had to be straightened out. I knew the treatments I had relied on from seven years old were now not working. An MRI revealed four bulging discs in my lower back. One of which was causing all the problems. Arthritis and damaged/angry facet joints were also a problem. Thus began a two year journey of Chiropractors, Osteopaths, Physiotherapists, Myotherapists, sports Doctors, Surgeons and Pilates instructors. All of which were excellent at their craft but I was getting nowhere.

Until I read an article online that was fascinating. It spoke of strength training fixing back issues such as bulging discs. But, hang on, I’ve been told by all sorts of Doctors to avoid strength training or lifting anything heavy! I needed to know more. I assumed the writer was an American as it was an American website. However with some further investigation it turns out he is a Melbourne man and only a forty five minute drive from my house. I booked an appointment and waited.

This meeting changed my life. It changed my perception of injury and changed my thinking about health and my body for life. He was the only person to properly talk me through my MRI scans and show me what was going on. Then he educated me on what was happening and what I needed to do to fix it. It was amazing, I was in a lesson rather than being treated and the treatment was some sort of trade secret. He was giving me the secrets! It was the first time that the responsibility of my recovery was put on my shoulders. He did not touch me the entire session. He showed me the exercises he wanted me to do. We worked through them to make sure I was pain free whilst performing the movements. Then on the way out he said I’ll see you in a month! I couldn’t believe it. After years of seeing people twice weekly this blew my mind. I went away and did my exercises twice a day as instructed for one month. Because of him my mindset had changed. I was now the master of my recovery. I had to be relentless in the search for a pain free life. I decided to rebuild my body from scratch. I ditched all the weights and machines. I took up a bodyweight workout program sticking to only the stuff that I could do pain free and not push myself into pain.

One month passes by and I’m the beginnings of a new man. The pain is less, my attitude is more positive and I can see that there is potential for light at the end of the tunnel. This continues for three months. I get my rehab updated and I go and be relentless with them. I don’t miss one opportunity to get them done. After just three months I’m ninety percent pain free! I’m working out again, I’m friendly to be around, I’m less depressed and angry. The world is a better place for me. There is a future.

But I still can’t run.

So I hit the research again. I stumble across more people who are doing things differently and helping people fix themselves not just physically but mentally also. The whole point of their work is to give away their secrets to pass on their knowledge. I dive in and I’m blown away by the knowledge being passed on. I study, practice and learn. I’m still doing the rehab daily but now I’m learning to feel my muscles. I’m learning to understand how my body should feel as it works through movements both in the gym and in daily life. I learn all about the nervous system and how to create different states within my body through movement and breathing. Slowly but surely I’m falling in love with my body and not being shitty with it for being broken. I’m working daily to maintain and improve the problems in my body. It’s by no means easy and at times intensely frustrating but I have to remain relentless. I’m taking responsibility for my situation and my body and actively improving it. I feel amazing. I feel strong. I feel more connected and alive than I have in years.

Then one day without thinking. I run with my daughter whilst out on a walk. ‘Daddy you’re running!’ My daughter is over the moon, my wife sheds a tear and I simply can’t believe I can run pain free! It needs work as I can still feel that it’s not one hundred percent but I’m Running!

And with the continued learning, relentless work and three more years under my belt I complete a triathlon! Holy Shit!

I still see excellent Myotherapists, Physiotherapists and Osteopaths when I need them and I do exactly what they ask of me, but I no longer rely solely on them to fix me. They are the experts and I must be willing to do the hard work in the background. There are many people out there who live to help people. But we must remember that they can only help, they can do their work and guide us in the direction we need to go. We are the ones that have to be willing to go in that direction. We must be willing to listen to their guidance and act on it. We must take responsibility for our bodies, for both mental and physical health. Then we will be in charge with assistance from others. We will not be reliant on others to do all the work and then wonder why we don’t feel like we are getting anywhere. It is one hundred percent our responsibility to take care of ourselves. And with so much information out there it can be hard to know what to do. Find your guides and you will start a journey of learning, self discovery and Love.

Today instead of being in pain for life, I have a simple daily rehab routine that keeps my structure strong and pain free. An easy task. And when my back does get bad, which it will, which is ok, I know what to do and I know it’s going to be ok, I got this.

Never give up, never stop searching and learning. Be RELENTLESS, you deserve it!