TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR SH!T AND FIND YOUR PATH

THE HARDEST THING TO DO, BUT THE MOST REWARDING.

So in my previous writings I’ve talked about the mental problems I experience and I’ve touched on some small things I’ve done to help the situations.

But what do we do? What happens after the realisation that the issues exist? What’s next? How do I proceed? What the hell am I supposed to do?!!

Especially seeing as I was so determined to not ask for help, to not show weakness, to not allow anyone to know the hellish nightmare that plagued my inner thoughts and feelings. Being constantly busy with work and socialising was excellent and I had so much fun, and I had so many wonderful experiences, friends and family right through childhood to now. But a lot of the time all that was a distraction from the deeper issues. The busier I was and the more fun I was having the less I had to think about it and if I wasn’t thinking about it I sure as shit was avoiding dealing with it. So I became an expert at finding and having fun. From high impact team sports to a very high risk career. But it generally involved unhealthy activities. And let’s be honest here. It involved me getting as drunk as I could and distracting myself from everything. Which then became a habit and a real problem when trying to stop the drinking. But that’s for another time.

When I was deep in the nightmare of constant unpredictable panic attacks and also the fear of said panic attacks. In amongst all that chaos and fear, I can still remember the day I took ownership of it. I sat there in despair as to what was happening. But in a rare moment of clarity I remember thinking: this is it for me, if this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life, so be it. I came to the conclusion that if this is now part of who I am, I must accept it as part of me. It is not something that is alien to me, it is me doing this to me for some reason. It’s mine. It’s similar to others, but this is uniquely mine. No one can possibly know exactly what I’m going through because theirs is unique to them just as mine is unique to me. And in that moment I kind of found a bit of peace in the fear. The fear is mine, it’s something I have to deal with, just like someone with seizures has to deal with them, I have to deal with panic attacks (huge difference in the comparison there but it’s what came to mind and helped me relate to it). I had to accept that this is for life before I could go about making it better and therefore not a life sentence.

From that day on there seemed to be more hope. Everyday started with a debrief of the previous night. How I slept, how many times I awoke to the fear and how I felt now. What did I do the previous day that might have triggered these feelings? Then the plan for the day could be worked out. What was I doing that day and where? And from what situations did I need to be vigilant to avoid creating unnecessary anxiety? I was creating my own recovery system. I was slowly and very unwittingly taking back the power. By accepting it I allowed myself to live with it and not fight it. The more I fought it the worse it became. With more acknowledgement, awareness, acceptance and love the better it became. Life gradually became a bit easier. Now I was beginning to act like someone who actually gave a shit about themselves purely out of the fear of the fear. I began to learn to look after myself, I began to manage the situation. One of my absolute proudest achievements.

I did that myself, I figured it out, I was in charge now. You are still here with me but now I can live a little better with you in my life, and I accept you as part of my life. Without knowing it, the fear that had been terrorising me has been teaching me and forcing me to take a step back, look at what was going on and adjust. I was on a new path, I felt lighter, more confident that there was a future for me living with this. A moment of positivity in amongst the doom and gloom. Pride. I went from being completely lost to feeling like an old pro. I wasn’t and there was/is still much to learn but I felt like I was ahead of the game for the first time, and it felt good.

Some years later I became aware that something new had crept in and I was now dealing with a deep depression. I was once again stuck, lost and lonely.

Possibly due to me managing my panic attacks and being more aware of my mental state, my body and my life it was slightly easier to accept. And again as described in my last blog, I reached a point where enough was enough. I reached out and saw a doctor (read the last piece for the details if you will). By doing this I was taking ownership of the situation. Except this time I was not keeping it to myself. And once the diagnosis was made and the pills prescribed, the wallowing in my own gloom began. I was convinced that nothing needed to change and the pills and appointments would take care of the problem. Even after all I went through with the panic, I was blind to what needed to be done.

For too long I relied on the doctor, psychologist and happy pills to do all the work for me. And it wasn’t working. There was, once again, a point where I had to say to myself, what now? What am I supposed to do now? I had to do it again. I had to sit down and have an honest chat with myself. This depression thing, as well as the panic, is here and it’s possibly here to stay. Do I sit and wallow in self pity, shame, self hate and alcoholic denial? And I had been because that’s such an easy familiar state to be in. Or do I want to drag myself out of the shit and start to find the light? To get out of the hole that is so familiar and comfortable is such hard work and unrelenting. But I remember thinking that this is my problem, not the doctors or the psychologists, it’s mine! I am the one that has to do the work, they are here to assist, but I am the star of this team and I need to start behaving like it.

And once I did, I was forever on a path. Whereas before I had been in the waiting room of decisions. Now I’m on the path. With acceptance of my situation and ownership of it I was on my way. I had no clue that I was or what I was doing. But all I knew was things had to get better and I was the only one who could do it. I could get all the help and advice I could. The more the better, but as captain of the ship it was all down to me. The path is long, winding, sometimes steep, sometimes easy, sometimes it goes backwards fast, other times it goes in a direction I never would have expected, or a direction I didn’t know I was going and when I get there it’s not good. Sometimes I get stuck in those places, but I’m still on the path and eventually the journey will recommence and new places I will go.

Find your path and go where it takes you. Take ownership of your problems and demons. Take them with you on the path but always remember that they are not in charge, you are. As you travel the path they will shrink or grow depending on life circumstances but because you are there you will know change can only be a day away, if you are willing. Your body is constantly teaching you things in very subtle ways. Learn to read the signs and try to stay on top of the demons and manage your shit. Take note of the little signs and warnings that dark times are ahead and adjust appropriately and hope the storm isn’t as bad as you thought it might be.

Once you are on your journey you will find others on a similar journey. They might be further along and can offer tips and teachings, others might be further behind and might need a helping hand and a hug. Just know that your journey is one of learning and of love. As you work at it and the more you learn, the more teachings will appear to you and appeal to you. Find yourself. Become fully aware of yourself and your body. You are the only one who can truly work on you. You don’t need fixing, you’re not broken, you need to learn to listen to your soul and your body and find the path. Get out of the limbo and get onto the path.